In the beginning, there was The Bird. And The Bird was in darkness, for the Cage was covered, and there was naught to see. And The Bird was miffed about this situation, and demanded that the Cage be Uncovered, and that there should be light.
And, lo, this cry did shatter the morning silence, and the Ears of The Owner were rent assunder, and the sleep of The Owner did dissipate.
And it came to pass, that The Cage was Uncovered by the Owner,
and thus light did flood in, and The Bird saw that all was Good.
Well, almost.
For in the light of the Uncovered Cage, The Bird beheld that the
Food Dish was forsaken of food...there was naught within.
And boy, The Bird was wroth with perturbment, and thus sayeth
the bird:
'Oh, mere mortal Owner, ist thou so stupid as to forget my morning repast, as is my right to demand of you?'
But the Owner knew not the divine language, and it only sounded
like 'BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWKKKKKKKKK!' to her.
(mostly because her ears had been rent assunder earlier)
And as it was the will of The Bird, the food and the water
dishes were taken away, and ritually washed and dried. The
divine repast of Pesticide-Free Organic Produce, Dried Fruit,
Berries, Nuts and Expensive Pellets was duly prepared, and thus
presented before The Bird.
And the Bird looked upon the great feast with one round, dark
eye, and decided to become mortally afraid of Carrots, even
though The Bird had eaten Carrots since time unending. And thus,
were the Carrots flung down from the Cage, to roll under the
sofa, to go unnoticed by The Owner and decay there. This action
much pleased The Bird, and henceforce, The Bird took great Joy
in flinging All Manner Of Objects out of The Cage and Onto The
Floor. The Bird saw that this was good and proclaimed 'BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAWWWWKKKK!' So that The Owner and All The
World would know. (Maybe not the *whole* world, but everyone on
the next three blocks sure as hell knew about it.)
And The Bird knew by Divine Avian Logic that if he did not care
for the prepared morning repast, he was entitled to feast upon
books, heirloom furniture and Small Children (not necessarily in
that order). But today, having flung away all the Carrots, the
bird deemed the repast edible, and lo, did make a gourmand of
itself, and ate the whole thing, and was done.
But with the morning repast finished, and nothing left to fling,
The Bird soon became bored. It was time to go Beyond The Cage,
as this was also the divine right of the bird, to wander the
living area of The Owner, and Poop Upon All He Observed, floor,
furniture, man, woman, or child. For The Bird possessed The Owner, and by all Avian Logic, The Bird did possess anything that The Owner possesed, even if The Owner had A Big Mac, and was eating it, The Bird was in all rights able to take the Big Mac from the owner, and of course, Fling It Down Onto The Floor, and even better, Poop Upon It.
And so sayeth the bird
'BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWKKKKKKKK!' and hence, the owner came running, and made the door of The Cage to be Open. And The Owner said unto The Bird, 'UP!' and The Bird did, in all it's sublime glory, step upon The Hand of The Owner. And the bird was much pleased, and did happily make a noise of contentment, and all was good, and quiet and peaceful (for the next three seconds).
But, as The Bird sat upon The Hand of The Owner, The Bird beheld
that there was, abiding in the Living room, upon the sofa, The
Significant Other of The Owner. And The Heart of The Bird was
filled with a great and dour jealously, and The Bird did
henceforth swear to try to Devour The Significant Other At Every Opportunity and would forever, see that The Significant Other suffered Pain from the Beak of The Bird, and Poop from the Other End. And the Bird looked upon the Significant Other, and said:
in an exceeding loud voice, which caused the Significant Other
to spill his soda all over. And The Bird Saw That This Was Not
Only Good, But Pretty Damn Funny, Too. And henceforth, The Bird
would Scream whenever The Significant Other would dare to be in
the same area as The Bird (within a 10 mile radius).
And then it came to pass, that The Bird was removed from the
Hand of The Owner, and The Feet of The Bird came to rest upon
the perch of the playpen that was solely The Bird's. And such
were the delights in the Eyes of The Bird. A swing, a chain,
wood to chew, and many things to fling. And there came upon the
land, A Miracle, and that Miracle was named Silence, and Silence
ensued for the next two hours, whilst The Bird did Amuse Itself
and Play quietly.
And while this was, the owner did carefully clean The Cage and
removed the Poop from therein, and made the cage to be most
immaculate.
As time passed, The Bird was made weary from all the
difficulties involved in the job of being a Divine Creature. And
so The Bird, going quietly unobserved, did clamber down from
It's pen, and make to It's cage, where It took a nap.
And The Owner looked upon the playpen, and saw that The Bird did
not abide within or upon, and The Owner was fraught with fear,
thinking that The Bird had either devoured itself whole or that
The Significant Other Had Indeed, Meted Out A Terrible
Punishment Upon The Bird, And The Bird Was Now A Fancy-Coloured
Featherduster. And The Owner did set up such a great and
Sorrowful keening, that it caused The Bird to awake, and Screech
loudly for being disturbed during such an important job as a
nap. And, lo, the Owner was soothed, and The Bird returned to
It's nap.
And when the time for the nap had passed, and The Bird was now
Awake, Refreshed, and Hell-Bent For Leather, The Bird did
cleverly let itself out of The Cage (for no implement of any
mere mortal could hold it) and sought out something for to
destroy.
And it came to pass that The Bird ate a $100 dollar Technics
Stereo Speaker, and lo, a miracle it was that The Bird was not
electrocuted into something resembling Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And the Owner was sore annoyed by The Bird's action, and Cursed and Decried the Bird, and The Bird was returned to The Cage, where It did Sulk for an Hour unmitigated.
So the rays of sunlight coming through the window, did grow
long, and Orange in colour, and The Bird saw that it was time
for the evening repast, and was given a divine meal, in the
bowl.
But The Bird soon became sore displeased, when it noted that The
Owner was possessed of a Golden Dragon dinner....Chinese
Take-Out, and The Bird did upset the dish into the Bottom of The
Cage, and thereupon did fling All out from The Cage, and Scream
until it was soothed with a large piece of of Family-Style Bean
Curd.
And then The Bird did go along with The Owner to Watch X-Files,
and soon became Weary and demanded to go to bed.
The Bird retired to The Cage, which was covered, and The Bird
saw that this Darkness was warm, and comfortable, and was Good
in the eyes of The Bird (which were getting heavy, and sleepy)
and The Bird did drift off to sleep.
And in the end, there a Puffy, Sleeping Bird, with It's Head
Tucked Under It's Wing, and all was quiet until the next
morning....when everything started all over again...
